The ATTEMPED Kidnapping and Murder of the Cullens
by WhatIsMyName13
Summary: This is where it all started, when Lotty and Cassy, attempt to kill all things that make up Twilight, but discovering that they don't need to... incrediably OOC, on purpose! I sort of wrote it a little higgidy piggledy, so sorry.. READ AND REVIEW PEOPLE!
1. Introduction

**Hiya! We're Lotty-**

**-**and Cassy, we're both 14 years old and we are extremely good friends.

**We 'ave this wee group thing we hang 'bout with: there's me 'n' Cass, Moany, Loui, Jessy 'n' Anny. Wer lyk da coolest ever ;)**

You know Lotty; you should really learn how to spell properly

**Loosen up sour puss! Anywais our Cass is a bit of a smart-alik lol**

You may be my best friend but I find you extremely annoying

**HA! You spelt it wrong! You Hypocrite! **

I think you'll find that I spelt it right, you ignoramus

**Watevs, anyway...**

We are kind of straying from the topic, weren't we going to tell a tail?

**OH YEA! So anyway Loui and Moany have this obsession with this gay story-**

Don't use that word, it's really offensive-

**GAY! There's three books and they're making films too. But Moany and Loui are completely OBSESSED and it's getting mental so... me and Cass had this idea...and this is our account of what happened.**

**THE KIDNAP AND MURDER OF  
THE CULLENS**

**By Lotty Awsum+**

**Cassy Cool**

P.S There are actually four books, Lotty just can't count


	2. Chapter 1

**Once upon a time there was a group of friends and their names were-**

Lotty, Cassy, Moany, Loui, Jessy and Anny and all had an unnatural obsession with Twilight-

**-A gay book saga, blah blah, about some homosexual vampire people and a girl with cross-eyes and a man-voice.**

Twilight tells the story of the true love between Edward Cullen and Bella Swan and all the complications they face-

**-In their attempt at a soppy sucky kissy kissy relationship.**

**Anyway the girls are totally into this but Cassy and Anny and myself are totally over it and Jessy hasn't even read all the books but, Moany and Loui are doing our heads in, seriously, they are OBSESSED!**

**Big word huh? See I'm not as thick as Cass thinks! And I am telling the story because she's not here right now. So, anyway me and Cass had enough of Loui and Moany's babbling and being weird about it all. So we decided to capture and kill the Cullens (the gay vampire family, keep up)**

I got to add this point, Loui and Moany may be infatuated but you can't talk Lotty, you swoon every time you see Robert Pattinson.

**Anyway so we wanted to Capture and Kill the Cullens but how do you get your hands on vampires...Well that was up to Cassy because my only idea involved a huge butterfly net and a bloody carcass...**

-Which, of course, was completely absurd and potentially-life threatening so she asked me to make up an idea that wasn't idiotic. But my only idea was that we were...

**-summon the Cullens with a spell conveniently provided my Aunt who happens to be a witch the rest is boring really.**

Okay, well so the plan proceeded and here is what happened...

**We had set up a special thing that the Cullens couldn't escape from even with their vampiric abilities and we didn't look at them yet because we were worried about getting dazzled.**

**So we set up some regular feeds and set about planning what we would do to...dispose of our new friends. Cassy had a few ideas...**

Werewolf claw weapons? God, I sound ridiculous, until yesterday I didn't believe in any of this...

**But I thought, nah and I snuck off to sneek a peak at our captives to see if they lived up to Moany's praise....**


	3. Chapter 2

**I was curious, can you blame me?**

But he might have eaten you!

**Well, anyway I went to a little window and staring at me with those gold eyes.**

**What can I say...? I was dazzled**

You're an idiot. If you die it's not my fault.

**It was, of course, Edward Cullen. Who is, and I say having seen them all, the best looking of the Cullens....**

**Carlisle was a grown up nerd child, Emmett was a house and Jasper had a distinct air of 'someone-just-touched-my-ass-and-I-feel-awkward' about him making Edward no less than hot.**

**So anyway, after staring at each other for a while, he says 'Hello, I am Edward Cullen.' And I'm just like **_**swoon**_**... **

'**Yeah, I know, I'm Lotty, I'm your kidnapper.' **

**He looks at me for a moment and says 'Hi Lotty.'**

**I mean, how cool is that?!**

Oh my god, Edward Cullen...he is real!

**Anyway, I'll write our conversation,**

'**Sorry but we kind of had to kidnap you...'**

''**Whys that then''**

'**Well, you know Twilight? The books?'**

''**Those? I hate them! They are complete lies; look (pulls back gums to show his fangs)**

'**OMG! But you're not meant to have those! Hold on a second! Where's Bella? Your wife?'**

**He laughs ''Wife? I never married Bella''**

'**But then?' I gasped**

''**No, she is dead now'' he laughed ''you see I never even talked to her, she saw me in the cafeteria and started a fictional series about me.'' (Puffs up hair)**

**I stared at him in shock 'So, it's fiction? No romance? Serious...? Wow!'**

'**So anyway, next thing I hear is she died...hit by a truck or van or something. Bit sad, I suppose! Then her family finds these books about me that she's written and published... so here I am!**

**I gaped at him for a minute and said 'Oh then...well...hmmm...be right back' and I rushed off to tell Cassy**

Wow! So he's hot, single and vampire bad boy, he's your dream boy Lotty...

On the other hand I wanted to talk with Jasper so I ran off to talk to him...

**And while she was away...I let the rest of the Cullens out so I could introduce myself**

**Lotty: Hey, sorry about the security stuff, I'm Lotty**

**Edward: I'm Edward Cullen, (He kisses my hand and I stare, dribble, dribble, dribble)**

**Lotty: Hi...I love your-fac-em-ha-SHOES!**

**Edward: (laughs) thank you.**

**Carlisle: Hello, I am Carlisle Cullen**

**Lotty: Yeah, I know**

**Rosalie: Why Hello! Omagosh I love your hair it's really pretty, where do you get it done? (she is really blonde o.O )**

**Lotty: Um, hi I'm Lotty**

**Alice: You will rob a bank with my brother O.O**

**Lotty: Hello, I am Lotty**

**Emmett: Whoa Shorty (looks down at me)**

**Lotty: Emmett (glares up)**

**Rosalie: Don't be mean Emmy Wemmy, come on**

**Esme: Oh dear, what sort of failure is your mother...Honestly look at you. Oh yuck this place is filthy...**

**Lotty: I'm Lotty .**

**(I fall over and Edward helps me up)**

**Lotty: Can you hear what I am thinking?**

**Edward: Yup**

**Lotty's thoughts: **_**Gah!**_

**(Edward laughs)**

**Lotty's thoughts: **_**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!**_

**Edward: Okay, by the way, I'm still recovering from the image in your mind of me...ah...**

**Lotty's Thoughts: **_**Gah!**_

**(Edward laughs)**

**Lotty: Stoppit! Go Away! Stop reading my mind!**

**(Edward kisses me on the lips)**

**Lotty's Thoughts: **_**Gaaaaah!**_

**(Edward laughs and walks away)**

**Alice: I foresaw that kiss, I also see so much more and-**

**Rosalie: Gawd, your clothes are wrecked, wanna go shopping?**

**Alice: Shopping! O.O**

**Rosalie: Shopping! O.O**

**Carlisle: Shopping?**

**Edward: Shopping .**

**Jasper: Shopping? =S**

**Emmett: Whoo! Shopping! =D**


	4. Chapter 3

(Meanwhile)

Jasper: Hello

Cassy: O.O

_OH MY GOD! I can't believe this actually happening _ my thoughts when he bent his head and pushed his lips to mine.

Jasper: Shall we go somewhere a little more private?

Cassy: Like?

Jasper: The corner? (shrugs)

Cassy: Sounds good to me

Jasper: Haha!

(Picks up Cassy and takes her over to the corner)

(I giggle)

Cassy: Oh my god! (slaps hand over mouth)

Jasper: What's wrong Cass?

Cassy: I giggled!

Jasper: ?

Cassy: I never giggle!

Jasper: Oookay, take your hand away from your mouth

Cassy: Ok (takes hand away)

(Jasper kisses me)

**(Meanwhile)**

**Esme: Well, I'm off to clean up this dump! (Stalks off)**

**(Edward whispers to Emmett)**

**Edward: She's pretty, no?**

**Emmett: Yes, but she wouldn't want you!**

**Edward: Why not?!**

**Emmett: Well look at you, then look at me!**

**(They start fighting)**

**Lotty: What's up with them?**

**Alice: Male politics**

**Lotty: Oh okay**

**Rosalie: Ignore, we have shoes to buy!**

**Lotty: Coming boys?**

**Carlisle: Ah...I think I hear Esme calling me...Coming Dear!**

**Edward: I WILL KILL YOU!**

**Emmett: NO NO! MY BROTHER I SHALL KILL YOU!**

**Alice: That's a 'no thanks we're busy'**

**Lotty: Jas-Cas-Oh...eww**

**Rosalie: What? Oh...gross**

**(Jasper and Cassy are making out)**

**Lotty: Oh Alice, I'm so sorry**

**Alice: About what?**

**Lotty: Jasper!**

**Alice: You think he's my boyfriend? Gosh, no! I'm dating Seth Clearwater!**

**Lotty: Oh..right..**

**Cassy: Ah-Jasper-you-are-gorg-eous**

**Jasper: Oh-Cass-you-are-ama-zing**

**Alice & Lotty & Rosalie: Ewwwwww!**

**Cassy & Jasper: What?**

**Lotty: (averts eyes) nothing, we were just leaving...**

**Edward: DIE DIE DIE!**

**Emmett: NO! I'M TOO SEXY TO DIE!**

**Lotty: ah... (Stares at Edward)**

**Rosalie: Leaving (grabs Lotty and pushes her out the door)**

**Emmett: Sorry man**

**Edward: DIE DIE...huh?**

**Emmett: She just left...**

**Edward: DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE**

**(In the Mall)**

**Alice: Now you need one of those, five of those, three of that...oh SHINEY! 37 of those!**

**Rosalie: She's a...heavy weight shopper**

**Lotty: I just wish she was shopping for herself and not me...**

**Rosalie: Yes but she has all this, besides you are a very different skin tone to us. A new challenge.**

**Alice: Oh and that would look good with those and half a dozen of these with that...**

**Lotty: As long as she doesn't change my hair-**

**Alice: Lotty! Have you ever considered going blonde?**

**(In the kitchen)**

**Esme: Carlisle! We must get rid of that Lotty girl! She is a terrible child! Hurry up Carlisle! Now clean that! And honestly that other one's got to go too...**

(In the corner)

There was a lot of kissing and that is all shall say... I refuse for this to be a lemon!

Jasper: Let's go out to the garden? For a break?

Cassy: Okay

(Leave to the garden)

(In the Garden)

Cassy: OH MY GOD! YOU REALLY DO SPARKLE!

Jasper: Naw, I was only messing with you, it's body glitter

Cassy: Meh, good enough for me, keep sparkling!

(I pounce on Jasper and we both tumble back into a bush)

_**(In the Garden)**_

_**Edward: DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!**_

_**Emmett: Mwahahahaha! I'm totally going to win your little Lotty for myself-**_

_**Edward: **__**DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!**_

_**Emmett: Aww does Eddypoo have an ickle crushikins**_

_**Edward: **__**DIE DIE DIE!**_

_**Emmett: Dosh he fancy Lottypoo? Does he wanna kiss wissy Lottywotty? Kiss kiss kiss kiss**_

_**Edward: **__**DIE!**_

**(In the hallway)**

**Lotty: Alice...I think I'm drowning...in...Bags of... clot-**

**Rosalie: Where are the boys?**

**Alice: Fighting in the garden**

**Lotty: Fighting?**

**Rosalie: The garden? Weird...I'll go get them, come on Lotty**

**Emmett: kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy kissy OW!**

**(Emmett rolls past clutching his head)**

**Edward: DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!**

**(Edward runs after him with a brick) **

**Rosalie: Boys, boys! Stop it now; you're in the company of ladies!**

**Emmett: (looking up) what ladies?**

**Rosalie: (sighing) Lotty and myself can't be arsed with your boyish brawling, get up and fix yourselves up!**

**(Edward laughs)**

**Rosalie: What?**

**Edward: I'm not sure Lotty agrees with you.**

**Rosalie: Lotty?**

**(I blush) He read my mind...sorry...**

_**I had been thinking 'Boyish Brawling isn't all that bad...I mean his shirts been ripped...look at that body...drool'**_

**Lotty: (mortified)**

**Edward: (laughing)**

**Rosalie: (confused)**

**Emmett: (hungry)**

**Rosalie: Anyway get your asses off the ground and go help Alice with her bags...NOW!**

**Emmett: I love it when you get all demanding**

**Rosalie: NOW!!**

**Emmett: (whimpers) okay...**

**Edward: I have more important things to do...**

**Lotty: (still blushing)**

**Edward: Come on Lotty...I need your help**

**Lotty's thoughts: **_**With what? Taking your pants off? Oops**_


	5. Chapter 4

(Meanwhile in the Garden)

Jasper: You giggled again

Cassy: No, I didn't!

Jasper: Yes, you did!

Cassy: (sighs) this is like a pantomime

Jasper: Yep, maybe more like a bad porn film lolz

Cassy: Ewww

Jasper: LMAO

Cassy: Teehee

Jasper: ROLFLMAO! You giggled again!

Cassy: grr...

Jasper: (kisses Cassy) don't be mad

Cassy: okay (kisses back)

**(In Lotty's Room)**

**Alice: hmm...yes...Emmett?**

**Emmett: (drowning in bags) Gah-Guh-Uh...Wh-at?**

**Alice: Put the bags down here and leave me...this wardrobe needs a serious makeover...**

**Emmett: Thank God! (Runs to the door and pauses) Alice?**

**Alice: Hmm?**

**Emmett: Where's Lotty?**

**Alice: Hmm... The garage**

**Emmett: Thanks (Leaves room) **

**Alice: No wait...she's...not in the garage...oh well**

**(On the motorway on the back of Edward's motorbike)**

**Lotty: (clinging on for dear life) Guooo...**

**Edward: Lotty?**

**Lotty: Geeogoo...**

**Edward: Lotty? Are you okay?**

**Lotty: (swallows) yes**

**Edward: Good, you can let go now...Lotty?**

**Lotty: I don't think I can**

**Edward: (grins) that's what they all say**

**Lotty: (falls onto the ground)**

**Edward: Lotty?**

**Lotty: (looks up) wha-**

**(Passionate smoochies)**

**Edward: Breathe Lotty, breathe. Feeling better?**

**Lotty: NO!**

**Edward: ?**

**Lotty: My head hurts...go away**

**Edward: ?**

**Lotty: Away!**

**Edward: (moves away)**

**Lotty: ...**

**............**

**Cooome baack**

**Edward: (comes back laughing)**

**Lotty: Go awa- (grabs Edward's arm) no don't!**

**Edward: You're very indecisive **

**Lotty: So?**

**Edward: nothing**

**Lotty: No, I'm sure you had a point to go with that**

**Edward: Nope**

**Lotty: You did!**

**Edward: I really didn't **

**Lotty: TELL ME!**

**Edward: I don't have anything to tell you!**

**Lotty: TELL ME!**

**[10 MINUTES LATER]**

**Lotty: TELL ME!**

**Edward: NO!**

**[AN HOUR LATER]**

**Edward: THERE'S NOTHING TO TELL!**

**Lotty: ****TELL ME!!!**

**[5 MINUTES LATER]**

**Silence....**

**Lotty: (gasps)**

**Edward: (laughs)**

**Lotty: What?**

**Edward: Nothing**

**Lotty: ****WHAT??!**

**Edward: Just figured out how to shut you up..**

**Lotty: How?**

**(Edward kisses Lotty)**

**Lotty: Gah...**

**(Edward laughs)**

**Edward: Come on, let's go back**

**Lotty: (nods, follows) **_**anywhere...drool**_

(In Lotty's Room)

Emmett: Alice!

(Alice sorts clothes)

(Emmett climbs stairs)

(Alice sorts clothes)

Emmett: Alice!!!!

(Alice sorts clothes)

Emmett: ALICE!!!

(Alice sorts clothes)

Emmett: Alice, she wasn't there... Alice what the

Alice: Don't question the world of fashion, she's in the ...(closes eyes) front garden

Emmett: Thanks, I won't ask

(Emmett leaves)

(Alice sorts clothes)

**(In the Garden)**

**(Edward and Lotty kissing)**

**Edward: I-was-n't-expec-ting-this**

**Lotty: Me-eith-er**

**(rustle noise)**

**Edward:?**

**Lotty:?**

**(Edward peers into nearby bush)**

**Lotty: What is it?**

**Edward: Come look?**

**Lotty: Okay**

**(peers into the bush)**

**Lotty: Amagawd!**

**Edward: Wow... Jasper-and a girl**

**Lotty: Is that unusual?**

**Edward: Yeah, it's usually me...**

**(Lotty walks away)**

**Edward: What? (grins)**

**(Lotty disappears)**

**Edward: Lotty? I'm sorry Lotty. Lotty? Lotty? Look I won't lie, I've had quite a few girlfriends but I'm sure you won't hold a little experience against me? Lotty?**

**[TWO MINUTES AGO]**

**(Emmett hides in a bush near Jasper and Cassy)**

**[PRESENT TIME]**

**(Emmett grabs Lotty as she walks past and pulls her into his bush)**

**Emmett: Sshh now my love! We don't want ogre face finding us making love...sweet love...(puts hand on Lotty's thigh)**

**Lotty: O.O**

**Edward: Lotty? I'm really sorry. Lot? Look for fucks sake Lotty, it was just a joke!**

**(Lotty is being touched inappropriately O.O)**

**Emmett: Don't hold back babe, kiss me!**

**Edward: Lotty? Emmett? Emmett! DIE!**

**(Edward beating up Emmett sends Jasper and Cassy tumbling out of their bush)**

**(Lotty pulls clothes back into place)**

**Lotty: Uh...Cassy...Hi**

**(Cassy fixing clothes)**

**Cassy: Um...hi **

**Lotty: Haven't spoken...much...lately**

**Cassy: Yeah...weird huh?**

**(Cassy and Jasper go into a new corner and Edward takes Cassy, she kisses him to get him to stop him yelling at Emmett)**


	6. Chapter 5

Esme: Why you ghastly teenage whores!

Lotty: Oh shut up bitch, I'm busy molesting here

Edward: And quite frankly Esme, I'm quite happy being molested (runs hands through Lotty's hair)

Jasper: And I don't mind Cassy at all ;)

Cassy: Teehee! (Slaps self) I don't mind you either Jazz _

Lotty: Basically, no one wants to hear it.

Esme: Honestly, you're all such sluts! Well, I'm not paying for your SERVICES, you hussies! You fucking little prost-

Carlisle: (whacks Esme with a shovel) She's finally shut up...all those in favour of disposal say 'aye'

Jasper: Aye

Cassy: Aye

Emmett: Aye

Lotty: Aye

Edward: Aye

Rosalie: Aye (Picks up shovel)

Emmett: Rosey…when did you…(CLUNK of shovel hitting Emmett's head)

Rosalie: Aye?

Carlisle: Aye

Jasper: Aye

Cassy: Aye

Emmett: Aye

Lotty: Aye

Edward: Aye

Alice: Oooh! Are we killing each other of again? I'm SO shocked; may I help with burning and dancing?

And so, Cassy and Jasper went back to their corner while Edward tried to teach Lotty how to ride a motorbike, and Alice and Carlisle burned Esme and Emmett. Rosalie, however became a page 3 model and married a Scandinavian Goat Farmer who turned out to be a prince who had been cursed by an evil bitch, I mean witch.

And so ends Twilight Spoof 1

**THE **_**ATTEMPED**_** KIDNAPPING AND MURDER OF THE CULLENS**

**By**

**Olivia & ****Cara**** Zee**

**__________________________________________________________________________________**

**Crap, Crap, Crap...**

**I forgot disclaimers,**

**Am I breaking the law?!**

**AHHHHH  
I'M TOO YOUNG TO GO TO PRISON!!!**

**So, what did you think, we wrote this in a week**

**And **_**Lotty **_**wrote most of it, she stole my FanFiction writing book...**

**READ AND REVIEW!**

**Love**

**Zee**

**xx**


End file.
